You Are Old......

........Not quite, damn it, but I'm getting there....and before I forget.....uh....uhhhhhh.....damn it...what was I going to say.......CRAP! Oh yeah! Now I remember....YOU SUCK! You had to go and remind me that something I dread, something I thought would never happen ,cuz I wasn't SUPPOSED TO LIVE THIS FUCKIN' LONG, is, beyond the shadow of any doubt,  happening! God damn it!

    You see, I  never thought that I would be old. It wasn't going to happen to me....it Couldn't happen to me. Why would he think such a silly thing, you ask? Because genius, in case you have forgotten (and you have), none of us thought we would ever get old! Remember the days when we sat around and laughed at old people. We laughed at the way they dressed and the way they acted and we told ourselves that we would never be them....REMEMBER THAT? Well guess what....go look in the mirror retard...and while you are doing that, hold up a picture of you when you were....oh, I don't know.....anytime before 30! By the way...if you are 35 or under and try this you will think I'm the tard.....unless you totally look like shit now compared to then. If that's the case, put down the Tommy's triple chili cheese burger, quit smoking crack, quit drinking a fifth of Mad Dog 20/20 (Jack Daniels for those of you with jobs) and quit smoking 2 packs of Marlboro Reds a day....IDIOT!!!

     ..........Ahhhh...but I digress...... You see, I wasn't supposed to live this long. In my 20's I was out of control. Every moment was a party but to me it was more than a party. It was me always trying to push the envelope doing and trying things that, looking back, were not all that smart. It wasn't that I was dumb, stupid or otherwise, I have never been those things, it was that I didn't care about much. I cared about my friends and the people I loved but I didn't give a rats ass about what might happen to me. If you ask my family or friends about me, I think they may all agree that I just didn't give a shit. O.k......enough with the serious bullshit......UUUUgggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

    So, here I am at..... non of your fuckin business... years old but it is safe to say that if I held up a pic of myself and looked in the mirror to compare then to now that I would most likely climb into a bath tub with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a razor blade( just kidding...put the fuckin phone down already). At times it really bothers me that I have become "older" but the one part that doesn't bother me at all is that I am much smarter now. Life experience has taught me much. Most of it is great but I also see that it has made me far less care free. Now I have a career, responsibilities, and all sorts of other obligations.

    There are parts of the old me that I miss but there also parts that I am happy to have outgrown....wait...didn't I say enough serious?....YES I DID!!!! CRAP....keep forgetting shit......Look..old people....2 things to never do......1.Men... Quit trying to be 25 when you are 50 by running around wearing Ed Hardy T-shirts and pants.....YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN CLOWN..... conversely, don't throw on a pair of baggy ass pants pulled up over you navel with a tucked in polo shirt.......that just screams OLD FUCK .2.Ladies, Quit wearing weird colored mu mu's, or whatever the fuck you call them, with polyester stretch pants.....that screams I own 100 cats! Also....nothing is quite so retarded as khaki capri pants.....can we finally agree on this....they look like fuckin shit. there is nothing sexy about them ( unless they are jeans style and tight fitting ) just as there is nothing sexy about a guy with pants pulled up past his navel.....damn it...have you all forgotten how to dress with a little bit of style. Just a touch of class and a bit of " I give a shit about myself and what I look like! Is it really to much to ask? Oh...and one other thing...you guys in your 40's and 50's...quit trying so fuckin hard to look 25....it's too late...the receding hair line...bit of beer belly...grey hair..wrinkles...do I need to continue asshole? Your time has come and gone...so go gracefully into middle age and quite trying to impress your sons girlfriend weirdo.

    This I say to the rest of you who are doing your best to age gracefully with dignity and class. Thank you for being real!!!


    A special shout out to Jen for the "your old" idea. If you have a suggestion for me to rant about, please feel free to post it in the comment section!

    Well that's it for now you wrinkled up, pasty, crusty old folks. We will address some other issues related to oldness ( like viagra ) in another 20 to 30 years. Until then......

.........rant on you old fucks!!!!!