2 hours of my life.....

.....that I will never get back. Yes, my fellow Kings and Queens of the road, thats right, 2 hours spent with you at the Dept.of Motor Vehicles in beautiful Canoga Park, CA. Ahhhhh.... yes, it was time well spent. Well spent because I accomplished what I had set out to do. I renewed my license along with all the necessary endorsements such as HAZMAT, doubles and triples, tanker and motorcycle. The process itself wasn't painful at all. What was painful? Oh, do tell, you say? I shouldn't....it would be harsh...perhaps unkind......but you know me, don't you!?! So I will, I must........can you say RANT...I know you can!

    What was annoying? What was painful? What made me want to scream " ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME?" just about every five minutes. Crap, where to begin......I guess at the beginning....logical right?

    1. I know it is the end of the month and the line would be long. I saw it as soon as I drove up. As I pulled in I almost got hit by some jackass who, undoubtedly, just got his license. Hey weenie, the mirrors are on your car for a reason! How about looking over your shoulder or using the mirrors before you back out of the space...Thank you and have a nice day ( code for "asshole").

    2. Proceeded to take my place in line. I remember driving there alone, getting out of my car alone, walking to the line alone, Sooooo....who is this person standing almost right next to me? So close, in fact, that I thought that, maybe, I had just acquired a new girlfriend. I looked at her for a moment, but she didn't look back at me. I knew right away that she couldn't be my girlfriend, not my type and I woke up alone this morning! I think to myself " what the fucks going on here". The line moves up a little and there she is, on my left and just a touch behind but still close enough to rub elbows. Then it begins.... annoyance starts to build as I realize that this person is invading my PERSONAL FUCKIN' SPACE! What is it with people? I understand if I am at a concert, a club, a sporting event or in a fucking chain gang but.... REALLY? At the DMV, in a line that's going nowhere fast?  REALLY?

    3. So, now I have made it inside, received my number and realize that I will be here for a loooooonnnngggg time. I look for a seat in a far off corner figuring that I will play a little poker on my phone while I wait. I find a nice little row of unoccupied seats and make myself comfortable. Well.... As soon as I sit down a lady and her 6 CHILDREN make themselves comfortable and proceed to fight and yell and scream and, and, and, and........HOLY CRAP! WHO BRINGS 6 KIDS TO DMV. It was like a damn field trip. I now feel sorry for my teachers and all the hell I put them through. Not a second later a guy, about my age, sits next to me on my other side. He has a dog with him.....WTF...he isn't blind and even if he was, what the hell would he be doing at DMV? Renewing his license? He attempts to start a conversation with me but the smell of Vodka on his breath is killing me. I know! Right now you are saying "no way". I kid you not friends and neighbors! So I leave my, once tranquil, little seat and go in search of some place to wait my turn.

    4.Finally, my number is called! I go to the appropriate window where I find a nice older lady. She is very helpful and made me smile on numerous occasions. She had a great sense of humor but then, you would have to when most of your day is filled with people being frustrated with you and shitting on you. To all the assholes that gave this sweet lady a hard time I say..... may the asshole whom almost hit me in the parking lot hit you.....and hard....jack ass.

    5. Body Odor! What is it with people? You know you are heading out your front door. Chances are, you are going some place where other people will be....you know.....like the DMV! Do you bother to take a shower? Perhaps us some deodorant ( de-odor-ant...deodorizes/ removes or prevents odor) preferably applied directly after taking a shower? Put on some fresh, or at least recently laundered, clothes( not worn since being freshly laundered )? Maybe a dash of cologne...I said dash, not half the damn bottle!? No, Nope...... not you of the green fog. You head out in all your odiforous( my own word, thank you) glory, to share with the world a smell that is equal to that emitting from a garbage truck on a 110 degree day. We, standing in line or sitting beside you at said DMV, would like to say Thank you! Thank you for reminding us to never skip a shower and always wear deodorant. By the way...lets throw in one more personal hygiene tip kiddies.If you plan on opening your pie hole and speaking words or breathing...brush your damn teeth. Funk Mouth is something that is sooo nasty. If you have gum, hey, use it!

    Well boys and girls, that pretty much wraps it up for me tonight. I would like to say thank you to you all for letting me bleed on you.....I mean lean on you. Just remember..... the person next to you at that red light might be the same jack ass or asses that I mentioned here in this rant. Now don't you feel all warm and fuzzy all over? Always remember what Bill Murray said to Punksutawny Phil in Groundhog Day....."DON"T DRIVE ANGRY!"